Friday, August 26, 2011

Nap time

I don't usually write when my head is less than clear, but today
I will take a chance that it will be okay.
Yesterday was a dark day for me.  I couldn't chase away the demons and I admit 
that I was afraid I might not get through the day safely.  I'm lucky because I'm able to recognize that these thoughts aren't healthy and I have talked to my psychologist about having a life line for times when they get tough. I reached out to someone I knew was safe, someone who would understand and just listen for a moment or two.  That's all it took and I was able to get myself home and take some medication to calm down and I managed to fall asleep.
I know this isn't what Michael wants for us, but there are days when we don't have the control over our grief that allows us to move on.  
I have to face the fact that my son is gone.  He is never coming back.  He will live on in my heart and the part of my soul that I share with him..but I'll never see his beautiful face and eyes again because he is on the mantlepiece in an urn.  

You would think that after 18 months my coping skills would have improved.  They haven't.  I am still angry at certain people.  I still dread seeing others.  I'm thinking we need to make a move in our life now.  We need to start to live for us, for the rest of our family as well.  My daughter reminded me that Michael's daughter needs to see more than a sad, grieving Nana.  
I need help with this.  
It's all so difficult.  

Time for some sleep. 

Wednesday, August 24, 2011


Back home again after three weeks of grandchild therapy, clean sea air and just being away from here.  By here I mean both the town and the house.  While I was away I decided I would taper back on the medications I take for depression and mood swings.  I had talked to my doctor (sort of) about the latter, earlier and he'd said as long as I felt stability in my moods to go ahead and give it a try.  I'd been tapering..the correct way to do things.  I'd almost stopped the SSRI while I was away with no side effects....until a couple of days ago when I realized I'd been crying for four days.  I don't know much about the half life of the medications I take so am unsure how long it takes for everything to leave the system.  Yesterday though was just bad.  Physically bad.  Brain shivers all day, nausea, walking felt like I was on a merry-go-round.  So about 3:00 I called in and was advised to slowly start to re-introduce the meds and really,  what was I thinking?  The point in this paragraph is this:  people with mood dysregulation need medication to keep everything in their brains firing normally.  And, these meds aren't something to be treated flippantly.  Obviously something strong enough to alter brain chemistry will cause physical symptoms when discontinued improperly.  Is this withdrawal?  I guess so yes..does that mean the meds are addicting.  No.  There is a difference between medications being necessary to keep feeling healthy and meds which are habit forming.  But what is the general perception on mood altering meds?   Do you think they are viewed in the same way meds for say, diabetes are viewed?  My personal view is that too often anti depressant, anti anxiety and mood stabilizing drugs are seen as crutches used by people and this is where we fall short as a caring and supportive community.  I don't think as a society we see mood disorders as a valid illness and consequently we don't support those who need our love and support in their struggle with emotional issues and all too often we lose them. 

I started to follow the Rick Rypien story but found too many comments from people who have judged.  Once statement was written by someone who "works in the mental health field". This person stated that the biggest issue with most people with mental illness is they won't accept their diagnosis and get help.  The next comment said the writer was unable to "shed the same tear for this loss"..because he committed suicide ..."he gave up".  This writer went on to say there are people in the world who have suffered and lost more but not given up...I want to scream!!!!!  Until you've walked that road, don't you dare judge.  I don't know this young man's story.  I don't need to.  I do know though, that at some point the day he chose to leave this earth, his suffering had overwhelmed him.  It's not our place to try to figure out his suffering or to judge his decision to leave.   And you know what?  At this point there is no way to "make people healthy"...and this is where our energies need to go.  We need to advocate more for those we've lost and are in danger of losing.  Please help bring depression and other mental illnesses out of the closet.  Please write a letter to an MLA, and MP, to anyone and everyone who will listen.  Do not judge and do not let yourself or your loved one be judged.  

I think that's all I want to say today.  Talked myself in a circle...

I love you Michael. 

Saturday, August 6, 2011


I am very tired.  Just so tired.  I don't see the point in very much these days.  My beautiful grandchildren.  The rest is just...I dont' know...too much.  Tired of crying and hurting and being lonely.  Don't want to watch certain parts of my life move one.  I'm lost.  My saving grace is that I know I'm lost.   There haven't been a lot of times in my life when I've wanted to go away and be by myself...a few...and I didn't...but that's what I want now.  I think I will plan to take a week by myself at the end of the month.  If I feel different by then I can cancel but right now I just need some peace.  I want to feel okay about however I happen to feel.   Today I realized (again) something about my life that I knew a long time ago, and it made me sad because I realized that some things never do change.  We just adapt our living around them and that's now always the healthiest or best option. 

I wish my grandmother was still alive.  Or maybe my mother.  My mom and I finally figured each other out two years before she passed away.  I'm so glad I had those two years.  They wiped out over fifty of misunderstanding.

I am so so so tired.