epiphanies

I am very tired.  Just so tired.  I don't see the point in very much these days.  My beautiful grandchildren.  The rest is just...I dont' know...too much.  Tired of crying and hurting and being lonely.  Don't want to watch certain parts of my life move one.  I'm lost.  My saving grace is that I know I'm lost.   There haven't been a lot of times in my life when I've wanted to go away and be by myself...a few...and I didn't...but that's what I want now.  I think I will plan to take a week by myself at the end of the month.  If I feel different by then I can cancel but right now I just need some peace.  I want to feel okay about however I happen to feel.   Today I realized (again) something about my life that I knew a long time ago, and it made me sad because I realized that some things never do change.  We just adapt our living around them and that's now always the healthiest or best option. 

I wish my grandmother was still alive.  Or maybe my mother.  My mom and I finally figured each other out two years before she passed away.  I'm so glad I had those two years.  They wiped out over fifty of misunderstanding.

I am so so so tired.