I've been thinking my blog has about run its course because I am not accomplishing what I thought I would when I started. I kind of thought my writing might be a bit of a road map for someone travelling this wretched road. If not a road map than perhaps something providing a few familiar markers, the kind of things I find in the books I read about suicide survival. But my grief is the same as it was when I started. My understanding of it is greater. Is that a help? I don't think so. Twenty months ago we were told "These are early days, give yourselves time". Certainly, I knew that there would never come a time when I was okay again. Well, "okay" is a relative term isn't it? Do I mean there will never come a time when I will be completely happy again? I don't know what I mean.
For me the reality is that I don't ever ever want to forget. I don't want to not have the aching part of my soul because that's where Michael is. The other side of that reality is the intense grief can make one ill, can and does make others uncomfortable, can become all-consuming. Finding balance then is important to keeping some kind of sanity.
Mikey's birthday is this month. Always in our life November was kind of his birthday month...lots of anticipation of what we would do, what kind of cake, what special present...last year getting through his day was mostly about, well, getting through it. This year I want to go back to doing something. I'm thinking of buying Michael a goat or some rabbits or pigs through PlanCanada.ca/gifts of hope. I think he will like this and it gives me something to think about and plan. Michael really didn't like goats...I've always loved them. I'm leaning toward the goats.
I've said nothing tonight but I feel better for having said it.
Night Mikey. xxx
3 comments:
I think your blog has accomplished a lot. It displays the way you think and it tells people what you feel. At times it has been a cry of agony and despair and at other times it has expressed a glimmering hope for the future. A future without Michael, because that it is the way it must be, but never the less, a realization that life does go on.
It may not be the road map that you envisioned, for each person in your situation must find their own way along that "wretched road" you have so vividly described in your posts. But I think that the family and friends of someone who has committed suicide (I hesitate to call them suicide victims, for I believe that those left behind become the victims)must find some comfort in your words and in knowing that they don't walk that road completely alone.
You may not think you've "improved", but I think you have. You will never forget. How could you. But you will continue to cope, as you are coping now and you will continue, slowly to improve. I know you hate the old "time heals all things" adage and I think that perhaps "heals" is not the correct word. Let's say "time improves all things" and hopefully makes the burden easier to bear.
I have come to know you better through this blog and I admire your courage. I honestly don't know if I could have endured what you and your husband and family have been through. But you have. Your family has.
I think it makes the rest of us less "uncomfortable" with your grief to be able to share in this small way, through your words, the incredibly sad journey that you are on.
For heaven's sake don't write this blog for the rest of us, but if it helps you in any way please keep writing.
Continue to get better my friend...and I am proud to call you friend.
Anonymous.
Thank you for the encouraging words. This blogs does help me. I've always needed some kind of outlet for intense emotions. Writing is a positive and safe way for me to let go of the "stuff" that builds up. I DO write for myself with the hope that my writing will make someone else feel just a little bit less alone. So, I'll make my decisions one day at a time I guess.
Thank you again for commenting.
I agree with Anonymous - this blog is your outlet, if it's working and helping you in any small way, then it's definitely worth continuing.
I would have never known anything about suicide had I not been following your blog for the past year. In fact, because of you I have a greater understanding for it. I think in that way, you are shedding light on a very 'secret' world.
I also love hearing the stories about Michael. I've said it before, but when you tell them, we get to know Mikey too. That in itself is pretty amazing, because through you, he lives on in the stories you share.
I still wish that it would get easier for you with each passing year but as a mother myself, I don't even cognitively understand how the pain would ever lessen either. My guess is that we learn to live with it rather than it subsiding. But I don't know.
I know that I care about you and that I think you are unbelievably strong for putting one foot in front of another every.single.day.
Hugs,
Michelle
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