Sunday, February 26, 2012

To My Boy in Heaven

Dearest Michael,
I tried to post the picture of you we put in the paper to mark the second anniversary of your death but for some reason it didn't work.  And now, the anniversary has passed; it was yesterday.  Despite having been close to panic the couple of days before the 25th, I awoke yesterday feeling nothing but calm.  Because we had planned to visit your workplace and place a rose in the garden we had a purpose for the morning.  As always, I watched for the bald eagle that often sits right at the entrance to highway but he wasn't there. It saddened me.  Then on our drive we counted 13 and I knew it was going to be okay.  The sun came out for about 7 seconds as we were at the garden and then we saw another eagle.  However, that was the end of our strength for a little while and we gave in to our tears.  Seeing your beautiful strong co workers and seeing the emotion on their faces we knew how much you were and are still loved.  Did you know honey how much everyone cared about you?  Part of the evil of mental illness, I think, is that we don't get to see what others see.  Our illness consumes the soul.  I remember how very alone you felt, how you wished someone would just call you and ask if you wanted to get together for coffee.  Mikey, I don't think most people had any idea you were in such turmoil.  Oh, some did, but you know, lots of people just aren't equipped to be able to deal with a friend's pain.  It hurts so much to see it and all they want to do is fix it and they can't so they stay away.  That backfires of course, but we learn things too late don't we?  You and Dad and I know that.  We learn things too damned late. 

Looking at your picture yesterday, listening to your music, remembering funny things about you brought you so close.  I felt that if just reached a little further through the veil I would feel you there.  But you of course, are in a far better place, beyond where any of us can reach you. 

So honey, on your second anniversary plus on day, in Heaven, I send you all my love.  We will be together again someday.  God sent you to me...I know He won't keep us apart forever.

In Memory of our son,
brother, uncle & Daddy

Michael John McRae

If our love could have saved you,
you would have lived forever.
Two years ago our love wasn’t enough
to keep you here with us.
You took yourself away from your pain & us...
yet our love continues because
we carry your memory in our hearts.
We remember the special things
that made you Michael.
Your ability to love was boundless. It was your gift.
Those of us who were blessed to have been loved by you
can never have that taken away from us.
We believe that you found the peace you needed
& we know we will be together again.
We promise you we will continue to advocate

for those who suffer from depression & we promise
we will never turn away from someone asking for help.
We make these promises in honour of you, Mikey.
We love & miss you.

Always & forever
Your family.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It was a great picture in the paper and the words you wrote were very moving.