Monday, February 25, 2013

Three years

It is the eve of the third anniversary of Michael's suicide.  I need to talk to my boy.

Dearest Michael
I have apologized a hundred times but as I sit here thinking about your last couple of months the guilt overwhelms me.  I wanted so much for you to feel safe and loved here with us as you tried to work through your pain and lost.  Everything worked against you: your employer, Health Canada, your lawyer.  I don't believe any of them did this out of malice but rather out of sheer ignorance.  We should have been the one safe haven for you, but we failed you.

One of the things I know to be true is that  I will always carry this guilt.  I don't want to let it go and I don't think I can explain or understand the reason for that.  It's just the way it has to be for me.  It's the only way I can carry on.

Nothing has really changed in all this time.    You are still not with us.

I miss you so much Michael, and I am so very sorry for not saving you.

I will love you always and forever.

1 comment:

KWats said...

I feel sad that you cannot forgive yourself, but I hope that you can find some peace in knowing, even as bad as it got, that he would have, and has surely forgiven you. Love you guys. Xxxxx