More about memories

5:30 am.  My husband has just gone to work and I've climbed back under the covers to keep my feet warm.  It's the 15th of February, so 10 days until "the anniversary".  Today I must write the memorial tribute for the newspaper.  I've added writting a memorial to your child to my list of "things no one should have to do". What do I say in a memorial for my son?

I started to work on this last week but had to walk away because the words appearing on the screen in front of me were sad words, words asking God to grant us one wish, words telling Michael how empty our lives feel without him.  These are facts, but these aren't things I want people to read because these seem to be about us.  I want people to remember Michael, to remember his handsome face and beautiful smile, his incredible laughter. I would love them to close their eyes and see him pitching a ball, throwing one in from the fenceline of center field to homeplate, playing on the floor with his daughter, carousing with his dogs.  There are so many faces of Michael I want people to remember. 

We have chosen a picture to put with whatever words I can put together.  The picture was taken at one of his best friend's wedding and he was so happy.  It was a good day.  Oh to go back to those days, pre-2008, such a short time ago.  Is it possible life has changed so much in such a short time?  Of course it is.  Even though we ask ourselves this question almost daily, we know that in life every second of every day is important because no one knows what the next second will bring. 

I have a close friend whose son took his own life five years ago.  These boys grew up together in the same little town and left this earth for the same reason.  We talked on the phone yesterday for a very long time about what the kids went through in their struggle to keep themselves alive and I realized that although their battle was with an illness of the mind, a battle with depression, a battle with messed up neuro-transmitters, it was a battle no different really to any with a physical illness. Ultimately, our boys suicides were the the end of their desperate attempts to live healthy, normal, happy lives. 

Sunday, our minister's sermon had an analogy of a young man's death to cancer to the story of David and Goliath but in this case, Goliath (cancer) won.  My belief is that there is no difference in dying of cancer ore heart disease or any other physical illness  or dying of depression or mood disorders or mental health issues.  A death is a death and no one is better for the loss of a life despite the individual circumstance.

When I write Michael's memorial tribute I want him remembered as Michael, who is gone from us forever, not Michael who took his own life: Michael who filled our lives with joy, not Michael who suffered so for the last couple of years of his life.  I want Michael to look down and know that for the short time he was with us he changed our lives forever and that we will always honour his memory and remember him with nothing but love.