Bring on the dust

Yesterday I had a meltdown in the middle of the afternoon, came home, took my meds for panic attacks and spent the afternoon curled up on the floor in front of the fireplace with my boy.

This morning I was up as usual at 5:00, was dressed by 6:00, bed stripped, laundry in, bathrooms scoured, dishes done by 8:00 am.  What gives?   Yesterday was sunny, today is raining.  I'm reveling in the cold rain. 

Coming from and being part of a family lineage of mood dysregulation I should be used to the ups and downs, the surges of energy that come with the up times.  Years ago, I discovered that one way of dealing with pain or unhappiness was to find something to be in complete control of so I developed a bit of an eating disorder.  It started by just wanting to be a bit thinner, believing at that time, that if I was a bit thinner everything else would work itself out.   Of course, it doesn't work that way...but it's all about the control (and lack of ). This morning as I was scrubbing the bathroom with Q-tips, I thought, "oooh,  I could be on to something here...I can control this.  Maybe this is what I do on my low days....scrub, organize, fold"...And so I wonder "What's all this fuss about compulsive behaviour?"  (as long as it's not destructive compulsive behaviour).  I'm rambling, I know, and the point I am trying to make is that right now the way my sadness manifests itself is a bit unpredictable and a bit out of my control. So, I need something I can control.  Today I am in control of dust and knowing that will get me through the rest of the day.  We get to go to the Memorial garden today to visit our son at his former workplace, and then we are off to individual appointments in regard to Michael.  It will be a tiring afternoon but I am energized because I kicked dirt's behind today!  It's nice to be on the swell of a wave..since I share the crashes, I wanted to share the climb.