debates

When my sister and I were young we went to a Gospel Chapel for Sunday school.  I'm speaking for us both but we loved it.  I found it fun.  Lots of kids from the adjacent army camp attended and on Thursday evenings the Chapel held Bible club.   I think I attended until I was about 14 or so.  The Gospel chapel was part of the Mennonite ministries and in the 50's and '60's the church was a bit more fundamentalist than it is today. I think there was a lot more emphasis on the Old Testament God, a God of anger and retribution, kind of a scary deity to be feared.   Lots of things were sins but we could be forgiven our sins by believing in Jesus..thus gaining access to His father, God.   At that time, there were still lots of evangelical faith healers, performers of miracles, in whom one only had to come with enough belief and true regret to be freed of whatever illness they had.  I know there is are still churches who practice the laying on of hands and the casting out of demons but my days of belief in those things are long gone.  How I wish those kind of miracles had been true.  I would have had my demons cast out as a child..certainly as a young woman.  Would my son still be here?

In a conversation with a cousin recently, speaking of our lost children as they lost a son to a car accident, she said "Let's face it, when the Big Guy upstairs decides it's time, it's time," and I remembered being very angry with God when Michael died.  Suddenly I had this thought....have I been praying to the wrong person, I never pray to Jesus, but to God.  Fear...uh oh.  Then the rational part of me said that no, in our religion it's about belief in Jesus, acceptance and faith...and poor God....He gets blamed for everything...what kind of loving God would allow babies to have cancer, to have lives brutally taken away in the manner they can be?  So...when we pray for the healing for people, for an end to poverty, war, all the terrible things in this world, are we putting the owness back on His shoulders?  This part of my faith I don't understand.   

These are some things I have heard many times, and certainly this year:  "All things come to those who pray"..."God doesn't bring us to something He won't bring us through"....my response to these would be...."No they don't and Yes He does"  Please don't misunderstand me, I am a religious woman and I love my God, but to me, this is like saying "I wish I may, I wish I might, Have the Wish, I wish tonight", preceded by Dear Lord. And I KNOW, that we do come to things that we can't get through, even WITH God...at least not get through in the way we want.  Going back to the Gospel chapel, we were taught that praying for something for ourselves was a sin.  Much like the Presbyterian side of my religious upbringing, which would have been the Sin of....I don't know...would it be Vanity...Selfishness more likely. 

When Michael died I said God came and took my boy Home. I believe that He knew Michael was suffering, and was saddened by what he saw, and was just there, waiting when the end came.   I believe that my God let's the world take care of itself and is saddened at what he sees, the illness, the hate, the destruction of our environment, the social injustice, but I don't believe He steps in to intervene.  Do I believe that things are pre-destinined.  To be honest, I have no idea, maybe every minute is just a big roll of the dice. 

Why did I write this today?  Because I've been wondering at why young people develop illnesses to which there are no cures, why evil people stay healthy.  I'm still trying to make sense of things, probably because then I will feel a little control.  Ultimately, I am responsible for my own behaviour, my values, my beliefs. 

I'm reminded of cartoons that used to come on tv where a little angel would sit on one shoulder and a little devil would be on the other.  Right now the three of us are having a good healthy debate.  I'm past the fear that debating some beliefs means the little devil wins.  I think dialogue is important..the little guy is outnumbered here.  I have questions I wish could be answered but I know the answer is probably in the form of one word: FAITH.  I do have faith...but I still don't understand.  Why, if we pray enough, can't our prayers be answered? 

I want my son back.  I am guilty of whatever sin that would be...Presbyterians from the 1800's would give it some kind of name probably to do with not accepting my/our fate.  I am guilty of that, certainly.  I have no choice to accept it but I hate it.  No one EVER should lose a child.  No one.

Dear God, please help me come to some kind of understand.  Thank you for the blessing in my life...I do not take them for granted..but I'm floundering here".