Solitary paths

The clouds won't lift. I mean this literally and metaphorically. 
I find myself looking everywhere for Michael.  Why does the emotional part of the brain control the logical part? Maybe it's just part of "the process".  Or maybe it's only part of my process. 

That's one of the things about this road we are walking: we walk it in our own ways.  Our processes are individual, unique.  There will be commonalities, maybe a number of them, but each of us will experience this journey in our own way. 

My husband and I travel very different routes.  We're lucky because they are parallel paths but they are very different one from the other.  It's an effort sometimes to keep things level; it would be very easy for our emotional paths to cross back and forth.  Statistics show that a lot of relationships don't survive losses like ours, losses of children.  It's tough.  And, suicide is such a complex issue so filled with self-recrimination and questions that just can't be answered.  We both see counsellors and we don't question each other about those sessions.  At first we saw the same counsellor but my husband was trying so hard to make sure I was okay and I was trying so hard to make sure I didn't say anything which might be hurtful, if unintentional.  We haven't been able to find a suicide support group close enough to attend but that would be something we would attend together and something I would really advise anyone who has lost someone to suicide to seek: a support group. ( Doing an internet search under suicide survivor will bring up lots of information.  S.A.F.E.R. is one that we have dealt with by phone and email. )

For today, I'm giving in to the clouds and the rain and the cold.  Michael's candle has been lit and I'm going to spend the afternoon with my boy.