Time

Today I planted a white azalea in the garden.  I hope it takes - it was a bit rootbound but I dug lots of loose soil and talked nicely to it so here's hoping.  I moved it from the little broken angel garden and now have the excuse to get something for that.  I'm thinking of planting a clematis at Michael's spot but suspect it's still too cold/wet.

Looking out the window just now I realized that I don't count the days since Michael left now.  I have the weeks numbered on my calendar: that we're approaching 14 months.  I don't want it to have been that long because I feel that we get further apart as the time passes. 

I'm reading another book on suicide survivors; it's called "Healing After the Suicide of a Loved One". I find a kind of solace in reading all I can about suicide because there is peace to be found in giving myself the greatest understanding of this terrible phenomenon.  There is a short chapter that has really hit home.  It's entitled "Grieving is Not Loving" and the premise of this is that so many of us believe/know that we grieve because we love.  Difficulties start when we find we have gone a minute, or an hour, without grieving.  Guilt quickly follows a period of happiness because we feel we are betraying our lost loved one.  We feel that all our memories of our loved one must be accompanied by sadness. Now, I haven't gotten to the point yet where I can remember Michael without sadness but that's not to say I don't remember happy times with him; it just means that right now, my memories of our son are accompanied by pain. I am starting to be able to make an active choice to fight the pain when it comes, not often, but sometimes, and I think this is a huge step for me.   Michael wanted us to remember happier times,  not the bad times, so that's what I try to do and I have to be honest and say that I would rather Michael be at peace where he is than back here suffering like he had been for the last year of his life. 

Maybe it's those picture that make it hard.  Those are things I sometimes wish I could forget, memories I wish I could just file away in my long term memory but they play like an old news reel.  Because I know what is in my head, I give myself permission to be gentle with myself.   I'm learning to listen to the little voice inside me.  It's the one that says, "You can do this or "it's okay for it not to be the right time".

One day at a time, one day at a time, one day at a time.....