....But to some people, He does. I don't think He wants any of us to suffer, but we can't blame Him for everything that goes wrong in our lives. I prayed daily, nightly, many times a day for help and I may have received it. Maybe Michael lived longer than he would have without my prayers and those of others who cared about him. Don't you think God must really have his hands full if we hold Him responsible for every rotten thing that happens in our lives? This is the part of me which wonders if this means my faith is faltering. I don't think it is, but maybe someone else will.
Living, after the suicide of a family member, is so full of complications. Some people have asked, "How could he do this to you?"...Michael's suicide was not about ME. It was about his own incredible pain and deep deep sadness. I've also heard, "How could you not see it coming". Well, the sad answer to that is that I did see it coming. I watched it get closer and closer and closer..and the fear grew until it bordered on panic. The frustration of knowing there was absolutely NOTHING I/we could do to help him is indescribable. Had we been wealthy we might have found a facility in the USA where he might have found help. That kind of treatment can run upwards of $100K. We do not have those kind of resources.
Michael's suicide has generated self-blame, post traumatic stress disorder symptoms like panic attacks, flashbacks, nightmares, inability to sleep and the inability to be around people very much. What it hasn't given us is any sense of shame or embarassment. And for those who do suffer with this I am sorry. Suicide is not about the survivors, it is about the inability of the person suffering, to cope with the depth of his/her pain.
We are told that there will be normalcy after Michael's suicide. I find that very difficult to believe. My hope though is that as we continue to learn about suicide that we will become stronger and by doing that, be able to help others
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