It has been awhile since I wrote. This is a difficult time but overall I really think I am doing okay. I wrote in an earlier post that my husband's psychologist had told us to keep ourselves out of harms way and that is what I've been doing. For a week, that meant just staying very close to home and avoiding the malls, with their music and decorations. The music is the hardest to deal with.
Christmas in our family has always been such a wonderful time. When the children were little it was a time of school and Sunday school concerts, time home from school spent baking and decorating, and just general excitement. I made my first gingerbread house the year Michael was born and it became one of our holiday traditions. I haven't made one in a number of years but am going to start one today to decorate with his little girl. The last couple of weeks I have been going through old photographs of winters in the snow and Christmas over the years. Bittersweet memories. I am so lucky to have had those wonderful years. But I would give anything to have them back again. There seemed to have been such an innocence then; maybe I just have nostalgic memories but life was different then.
Anyway, back to the music. I have been working at being able to listen to music without crying and I'm getting better. Tonight we have a Christmas Service of Remembrance put on by the funeral home that helped us with Michael's service. I know it will be an emotional evening for us but I know it will be a healing step forward. We have been playing Christmas carols and songs at home where it is safe to cry
What I wanted to write when I started this is this. Yesterday I decided I would make myself go out and go up for coffee because I haven't been doing it much. The less I go out, the more I want to stay in. It was cold and windy so I grabbed a down vest I haven't worn in awhile and put my hand into my pockets to find a card my husband had given me one day. It was just a little business card the woman who cuts his hair had given him. This is what it said:
Hello. This is God.
I will be handling all of your problems and concerns today.
That's my job.
Your job is to give them to me, and then to trust me
Have a great day!
Yesterday we had our granddaughter for a visit and the day was so reminiscent of days with her Daddy and Aunty when they were her age. We walked out into the field at the Christmas tree farm and she picked out a tree for Papa to chop down for us; we went for hot chocolate; we went into the store so she could buy her Mama a Christmas present and like a little crow attracted to sparkly things, she carefully chose things with a high glitter value.
We had the promised great day.
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