Sunday, January 30, 2011
Missing Mikey
I really miss Michael. Aside from grieving over him, I mean. I MISS him. He was so funny sometimes. A lot of what he said was so...I guess.."out there"..that all we could do was laugh. When he died, he was angry at us, but in a journal he wrote a month or so before he died, he called me "his rock". I can't find that anywhere now. I would give anything to have it. ... because I know if he had made it just a little longer, he wouldn't have been angry with me. It's very selfish I know...Michael's leaving seems to be about me then...that's only because I can't explain myself properly. Michael's leaving was about him...I just wish he had left under different circumstances....no....I wish he hadn't left. I really miss my son.
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I struggle with the words.
I really do. Nothing, no pain any of us face can compare to the despair of losing a child. Nothing can.
that doesn't change regardless of what age that child was.
From what I gather, and that is only from reading a few posts, he knew for a long time that this was going to be how he would end his life. This wasn't an impulse decision for him, nothing at the spur of the moment. Although that doesn't change anything, it does give me the sense that he may have made peace with everything in his heart already.
I really feel and believe that when people are in that much pain when suicide seems the only way out, they have made peace with everything and everyone else around them, if not outwardly then at least inside.
I think he would hate knowing that you thought he was angry at you. I think out of everyone, you would be the one person he'd want NOT to blame herself in any way.
In just 2 days, reading only about 15 posts so far, I have come to really enjoy reading about the way you describe Michael. He sounds funny, loving and troubled.
You are doing a beautiful thing on this blog, not only venting and grieving, but keeping him alive by talking about him.
Without you, I wouldn't get to know Michael.
Thank you.
Michelle
PS - I'm in Maple Ridge.
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