Every now and again I have a time when I think that I just can't go on, when the pain, the memories and the guilt are overwhelming. In those moments I am learning to reach out, because I'm frightened. What helps me most is too be told it's okay to feel this way. Christmas Day was 10 month since Michael died. That sounds like a long time; I know some people think I should be getting on with life by now. But I can't.
There aren't very many support resources for suicide survivors and living in a rural area makes it hard to access the ones that are available. An acquaintance suggested I try the Hospice Grief support group but talking to strangers about something so very personal and private will be hard. I do have a counsellor and I am thankful that I have benefits that cover her services.
And I'm very tired. It's probably just from going through such an emotional time and now, anticipating the anniversary of Michael's leaving us, next month. I'm tired of working at being strong and being positive and being at peace. Some days I feel stronger, more at peace than others and those are good days. But on the days when I'm weaker I need it to be okay to be weak.
So, all this is just to say, there are days when the steps are all backward steps. I know there will be a time when I start to move forward again and in the meantime I'm just going to ride this out the best way that I can.
1 comment:
Steps are steps, and I can't help but think that backwards or forwards, the movement is the important thing. Whether you circle your pain somedays, or leap ahead of it for a bit, or shuffle behind it for a while, its the moving. That keeps your heart blood moving, your thoughts and feelings working. Love you.
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