Slow, deep breaths.

Last week one the local grocery stores started to bring in daffodils and irises.  Normally I welcome the spring flowers; they have always been my favourite.  This year I can't look at them.  They remind me too much of losing Michael last February. 

Right now I have the television on TCM and am watching some old movie showing the Golden Gate bridge.  I hate the bridge because it reminds me of the plans Michael had made a few weekends before he died.  I realized too that I will always hate the I5 highway, at least as far as Olympia Washington, because that's how far Michael got the night he left here headed for San Francisco before I managed to convince him to come home. 

Today I ran into a friend who told me to embrace and forgive and ask forgiveness from all the things I am avoiding, everything I am angry at,and all those  who remind me of painful times.  I can't do this, at least not yet.   Is it rational to blame flowers, roads, bridges, music and books for Michael's death?  Of course not, but right now I'm not interested in freeing myself of pain.  I don't think that time will ever come, and I don't think it would be right if it ever did. 

I planted narcissus all along the side of the house in the fall.  Now I wish I hadn't.  Last year I had the yard filled with flowers because gardening helped me deal with my grief.  This year I don't want to do anything that I did last year.  I don't understand why, but it's the way it is. 

The last couple of days I've found comfort in keeping close to home, knitting, reading and baking.  The curtains are closed, the fireplace is on and I am here with my son.  I go out each morning for a couple of hours, meet friends for a cup of coffee, then come home.  

The dread and slow panic is starting to build as we close in on the last six weeks to the anniversary of Michael's leaving.  But I am learning to breath my way through panic.  I'm learning that some questions will never be answered, some questions should never be asked, and ultimately the decision to find peace was Michael's and not mine.  I will always love Michael and honour his decision.  Rest peacefully beautiful boy.