Paths

I've just read a post on Michael's memorial page and a few of the words really jumped out at me.  The last three days have been very difficult.  I feel raw and vulnerable again and I haven't been sure why.  We knew Christmas was going to be tough so we worked at preparing for it, planned strategies for dealing with emotions as they came up and when the sadness started to overwhelm us, we just tried to ride out the wave.  But we didn't consider New Years, probably because it's never really been an important celebration for us. 
For some reason on New Year's Eve day I started remembering individual occasions over the past three years.  I can't share these on this blog.  They are just too painful and too private.  I will write them in my private journal because the re-telling of them will be therapeutic.  But what I picked out of the letter to my son on his page was the phrase "...won't let the pain you had to endure bury me".  And I realized that now that those memories are starting to come to me, that I am being buried by them. 

Up until now I have worked at blocking a lot of thoughts to protect myself.  I have been trying just to deal with the loss of my son.  But now everything has started to come back, so many unhappy memories, and I don't have the power to stop them. 

Perhaps this is another stage of grief.  Maybe I can't put off the inevitable any longer.  I am going to have to deal with each and every one of these recollections and do something with them.  I don't really know how to do this yet but I think the first step is realizing that it has to be done.  How I wish there were a drug or some kind of procedure that would just erase those memories.

I failed to protect my son from fear, pain and sadness and I am angry at myself and angry that there is also no external help available (unless perhaps one is wealthy).  It has been a long time since I have been angry.  It's a healthy anger I think..it's not focused on anyone...I am angry at 2010.  Does that make sense?

I expect I am just back-sliding a little.  But I don't believe the path of grief is laid out in any pattern.  And I'm not sure where I am on it....still very close to the beginning of a road I will travel for the rest of my life.