I forgot that I get more out of writing than I give. Feedback from friends, old and new, helps me so much.
I've been away for a few days and had some realizations about things that have happened since Michael's death so I'm going to write again Because if you are in our position or know someone who is, maybe knowing that someone else feels these things will bring a bit of a feeling of normalcy.
1. I cannot bear to hear a child cry. It breaks my heart because I can see they are trying to understand and it's just to much for them right now.
2. I cannot bear the sound of an angry voice.
3. I am angry because I think I am the only person who believed Michael was going to take himself away from us. The only one...and I don't understand this.
4. I believe that I know myself better than anyone else and I believe I know that what I feel is real is is not going to ever get better. This is about more than grief. This is about being broken. Being broken is okay, lots of things are broken and still function, they just function in a different way. I am not the same person I was thirteen and a half months ago.
5. I am sorry for so many things I did in my life. But things done cannot be undone. They can't be changed. They can sometimes be forgiven but sometimes they can only be accepted or acknowledged as just being or having happened. That's me. It goes something like this: "Yes, been there, done that, wish I hadn't but I did. It's something I have to live with".
6. I love my son and I will always honour the decision that was only his to make...but I wish he had been able to get the help he needed to stay with us.
7. I play Animal Crossing because Michael's character is still on there.
Confessions.
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