small gifts

It is another cold, wet Sunday and we are both a bit blue today.  I haven't written much in the past little while because to be perfectly honest I haven't known what to say.  The days go on the same as they have all year.  I miss my son, I wish he hadn't gone, I wish I could bring him back and it seems that the harder I try to be okay the worse I end up feeling. 

To me it feels wrong to try to suppress the sadness. 

When Michael died last year I read everything I could find on suicide and suicide survivors.  So much of it was helpful and because it was I decided I would write this blog in case someone else was going through what I was.  I've spoken to people who have lost friends and loved ones to suicide and have been really taken by suprise because they either had no idea that the person they lost was suffering, or they didn't understand any diagnosis that might have been made.  Because Michael had tried to get help, I had some understanding  of his condition so had done a lot of reading on his condition as well.  I knew the statistics on suicide for people like Michael. 

I really want to encourage anyone who is worried about a loved one to be informed.   You need to understand depression and anxiety not only to help your loved one, but to keep yourself healthy.  I'd add a proviso here though.  Talk to someone you trust.  We are lucky enough to have an incredibly understanding, compassionate family physician who has been our doctor for 28 years. But at one point, about a month before Michael died I had been very low with Michael's escalating self-harm attempts and suicide threats and had talked to a clergy member who, I suppose, thought he was being sympathic, and called Michael's behaviour "bullshit".  Sorry for my friends who don't swear but this came from someone in my church!! I was crushed and when Michael successfully completed his suicide less than six weeks later, I remember wondering what thoughts might be going through this man's mind. 

 Yesterday my husband found a camera of Michael's that we didn't know was here.  When I saw the pictures I remembered that a couple of Christmas's ago we had taken his daughter to a breakfast with Santa on one of his visiting days.  Such a short time ago yet he looked like the world still held the possibility of a life for him.  Discovering something of his that we didn't know we brings back those sad feelings yet is an unexpected gift and for that we are grateful.