Coping with any death is traumatic; suicide compounds the anguish because we are forced to deal with two traumatic events at the same time....the level of stress resulting from the suicide of a loved one is ranked as catastrophic...the initial impact of discovery scars us forever..."I will never be the same person I was 15 months ago again. I feel guilty that I am alive and Michael is not. There is nothing that can or will ever change those feelings. But Michael lives on in my heart and will forever. Apparently, according to the "experts" in order to move on, I must begin to be able to separate Michael from his suicide. I'm not there yet and I don't feel guilty about not being there yet. One day, with luck that process might begin.
I have "friends" who no longer talk to me and I know it's because they are uncomfortable with the manner of Michael's death. They feel that suicide is a sin. Fundamentalists. In their book Suicide and It's Aftermath: Understanding and Counseling the Survivors, Charles Ruby and David Clark point out that the Christian view of suicide as sinful and forbidden evolved in the second half of the first millenium AD. Did we understand depression, mood disorders, psychiatric illness then? Hardly. Why do some churchs still judge? Is our God not a God of compassion and of understanding? That's my belief and I'm comforted by Rubey and Clark's theory that it's unlikely that God judges suicide as either moral or immoral because He understand that a person who takes his or her life is "experiencing the kind of pain that is the hallmark of illness or depression" When Michael died, a Catholic priest who Michael had talked to many times, came to our house and sprinkled Holy Water over the ground where Mikey lay. My minister has been here a number of times and we go out and stand and pray where Michael left us. So...here is my advice on this, if any of you are finding the same thing...or worry that your loved one's leaving damned them eternally. Please don't let yourself be taken down that road.
I question daily what Michael would want me to be doing. I've been told that he would want me to be living my life, to be carrying on. I do this every day just be waking up, breathing, getting through the day, going to bed, waking up, breathing....it's enough for me right now. These are still such early days. I understood my son, and he understood me. We were cut from the same cloth. I have struggled with debilitating depression most of mylife. The mood swings started in my late teens. I passed these genes on to my children. Michael will understand my struggle. The one thing I do know for certain is that Michael would not want me to take my life to follow him. He took himself away from us for a number of reasons and some of those reasons were very unselfish reasons. I do not believe suicide is selfish, that is is a coward's way out, that it is a sin. I believe a healthy person does not take his or her own life. I believe that despite all our wonderful achievements with medicine, we have not figured out how to cure things like depression, BiPolar, Boderline, Schizophrenia. I believe that not enough resources are put into these illness because there is still some kind of stigma attached to those things "mental".
Michael will not be saying, "C'mon Mom, get on with your life", because he will understand that sometimes you just can't. As I said before, maybe, hopefully, there will be a time when I want to make plans. Or maybe not..I don't know. But in the meantime I will advocate for my son, for other's like him....did you know that not so long ago the Cancer was whispered, much like suicide is now whispered? It's by shouting the words that we contribute to understanding and acceptance of things. So..SUICIDE IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TREATABLE ILLNESS. SUICIDE IS PREVENTABLE.
Michael, I love you.
2 comments:
And that is exactly why you should keep writing, and posting... because we need to silence those 'whispers'. We need to bring awareness to mental anguish, and to let people know that suicide is not a coward's way out.
When someone's pain gets so great that the pain outweighs the resources that the person has, that is when suicide appears as an option.
As to those so called 'friends' of yours, I have some of those too. 'Friends' who just didn't know what to say to me anymore or didn't want to deal with me being sick 'all the time' so they dropped me, like a hot potato - people who'd been in my life for decades....
I've always heard that in times of crisis you find out who your true friends are, and it is true. It isn't the people I thought it'd be. And I'm surprised by all the new people that are around too, I am blessed that I have people who care about me. I know you do too.
I would love to meet you Andrea, let's make a date. I live in MR - but can come out your way... You can get my number through Cynthia - or email me your email and I'll call you.
I think we could both use a hug :)
I am reading a book right now called "Growing Up in Heaven" by James Van Praagh. It's a book about parents whom have lost their children (due to many different circumstances) and as I am reading, I am thinking of you, and thinking of Arthur as well. This quote stood out for me: "Never let anyone else tell you how to or how long you should grieve. You are a unique being and no two people grieve the same way; everyone feels different things at different times" (p. 160, Growing Up In Heaven by James Van Praagh)....once I am done reading this book, if you would like to read it, just let me know and I will send it with Arthur on his work days. I know it has helped me deal with the death of my granny (10 years and it still hurts quite a bit!)
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