Well my goodness what a week it has been. It has been extremely emotional, almost the same as last spring, but this time there seems to be more clarity. I understand what has brought this on and I even understand by now the best way to take care of myself. Does that make the process any less painful? Maybe..and maybe not quite so frightening because it is all part of the journey.
But a couple of new questions have come up for me and these are things I never thought about before.
Why did we not attempt CPR?
Why did we not check his carotid for a pulse?
You know those things didn't even occur to us. At least not to me...and I have never asked my husband if it occurred to him. I was on the phone calling 911 and answering their questions.
Why do these questions have to come now? Maybe it means the shock is starting to send? I have no idea.
This may sound like a terrible thing to say but I am so thankful that Michael's suicide did not come as a shock to me. One can't ever be ready for it but I know many times I'd braced myself for the worst.
I've joined an online support group called Legacy.com and there is a section specific to suicide survivors. So many survivors did not see it coming. Many are angry with their loved ones for leaving them because let's face it...those of us who are left ...are changed forever. Even more are frustrated that there is no help available for people with mood disorders and mental illnesses.
When Michael died I was able to say to him "I understand Mikey. God has you now.", and I believe that. I know Michael prayed for the strength to leave and I believe God saw his suffering and sent His angels to take our son Home, that cold February night. These aren't just words...I DO believe this and I would ask that anyone who DOESN'T believe this, please not to respond to my post.
These are the thoughts that get me through the tough times. Surrounding myself with people I know I can be myself with is something I do as well...or...maybe I worded that incorrectly. Spending time only with people I know I can be myself with helps me get through the days. Avoiding those who ask too many questions (How ARE you? is a difficult question to answer...many of you will understand that) Reading...and gardening....these are the tools I am using right now.
If the sun comes out I will take a picture of Michael's memory garden. I still have plans for it but the ground is so wet.
So, these are my ramblings for today. It looks to me that the sun might be trying to break through this evening so I'm going out to spend some time with my little angel with the broken limb.
Wishing you peace.
2 comments:
Perhaps that is WHY those two actions didn't occur to you or anyone else... God was ready to take Michael and blocked all thoughts of life-saving actions from you. It's as good an explanation as any, since that would probably be the FIRST thing to cross your mind in that situation otherwise.
You are wise to surround yourself with people who know you and that you can be yourself with. It's good that you know who those people are.
Thinking of you today and everyday.
I agree with Sayre. Keep doing what you're doing and surrounding yourself with people who understand you.
The support group that you joined sounds like you'll find others in the same boat and perhaps you can help each other.
I am here for you Andrea.
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