Silver Bullet

For the past fourteen months I haven't been able to listen too much music.  Music has a way of reaching that innermost part of my soul so I've had to be very selective about what I listen  My soul has been busy.  Understand though, that I love music.  There are just  too many memories attached to what I've listened to for the last 32 years. On the other hand, my husband finds music soothing and can listen for hours and it helps him.  Because he tries so hard to keep me from being sad he chooses music he thinks I will be okay with.  Lots of times I go upstairs and play (I have a clavinova in the extra bedroom) with headphones or watch tv so he can have his music. Today though, his choice for me was Bob Seger's Silver Bullet.  Wow, the memories.  Good old rock and roll type music.  I remember dancing around our first little house when I was pregnant with Mikey, and then when he was a baby and toddler.  None of these are sad memories.  I was SO happy when he was born.  Our daughter was born when he was 27 months old so I had all that time with only Michael.  I didn't work  so I had him all to myself (I shared with my husband :-) ) and now I look at that as a special gift. 

Anyway...what I started to talk about is music.  When I turned 50 I had planned on having a birthday party and lots of r & r but that was the year my youngest went to university in another city and I was far too sad to have a party.  So, I thought when I turned 60 I would have that party and play happy rock and roll. But that was the year Michael died and I was far too sad to have a party.

Now I am still sad, but I realize that there are days I feel like dancing, not out of joy, but just because. And I wonder if it appropriate to dance yet.  I am a terrible dancer.  For a person who studied music for 20 years, I have no sense of rhythm.  I think I could probably learn to minuet, I know I can polka, I can twist... the rest is all kind of smoke and mirrors stuff.  But in trying to plan a fund raiser in Michael's memory, a dance has been part of the plan.  Michael would love the idea.  He loved a party, he would want any kind of memorial for him to be a happy occasion.  He would want us to remember his smile, his humour, his love of music.

What do you think?  I want my boy remembered with love and with joy.  I want to celebrate the time he was here with us.  The troubled soul he was at the end of his life was still Michael, but it was the Michael who suffered from mood dysregulation.  He was still Michael. 

As I write this I'm bobbing in my rocking chair listening to "Old Time Rock and Roll"..my favourite song to dance to.....I've danced with Michael to this at my daughter's wedding...I danced to it when I was carrying him...and I may dance to it as he watches us from heaven.  Maybe.