4:00 pm. I was up at 5:00 but then back to bed until 8:45. Today I had a meeting about work and then a doctor's appointment. Now I'm back home, cosseted under may huge chenille blanket, sitting where I feel safe. I didn't feel safe earlier. Well, physically safe, but not emotionally safe. It occured to me that this grief is more than what I first thought, which was a part of me, of us, dying. It's more like an emotional version of a flesh eating illness. Without intervention it just grows and grows. I can see how it could eat away from the inside out until only the shell of the human remained. The soul could destroy itself.
Today's advice it: Always have a plan. Just like having a plan for a car breakdown in the middle of nowhere, an escape plan for a fire, a plan to deal with severe emotional pain is vital to surviving. My plan today was : get home. Light a candle, turn on the fireplace, grab a book and curl up and read. ... Talk to my boy, and breathe in, breathe out...talk to my boy, breathe in and breathe out. Repeat.
3 comments:
Glad your plan was in place and you made it to your safe spot. Your pain is so well articulated that when I read it I can actually feel it and have to tell myself to breathe in and breathe out as well. Can't imagine what you're going through except through your writing. Thanks for being brave enough to share it!
Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. I'm glad that you have something that you know will make you feel a little more peaceful - lighting a candle and talking to your son is healing, or as much as one can heal through this. It must bring you a sense of calm. Hopefully if the weather picks up, you can enjoy his garden that you made for him this weekend!
Hi Andrea,
My favorite saying is 'when in doubt, take the next small step'.
I use it a lot, and I thought I'd share it with you :)
((Hugs))
Michelle
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