Changes

I can't quite remember why I called this blog "aftermichael" because there is, nor will there ever be an "after Michael"  Michael still is in my heart. He is a part of me and a part of his father and a part of his daughter and a part of his sisters and his nieces and nephews. 

Michael will always live on because we will keep his memory alive.  Without any exaggeration I tell you that he is the first thought of each of my days and he is also the last thought.  There are nights I fall asleep praying.  There are nights I fall asleep listening to my iPhone.  But I listen to the iPhone to keep from crying myself to sleep and I pray about my family and my boy..others too...but my family and Michael are the last words of my prayers.

I was unable to continue with my return to work (for now) so this past two weeks has been another transitional period.  I haven't written because I didn't really have anything to say.  I will say that I have increased my medications (doctor's advice) and am in no way ashamed of that.  My meds aren't something I abuse.  They help me cope.  There will come a time when I won't need some of them so much...but some I will always take. 

I am getting out my books again.  I find them so helpful because I know I am not alone and I do become very conscious of talking too much (outside this blog) of my sadness.  Truly, very few people want to hear it, because no one knows what to say.  My advice to anyone who has someone needing to talk to not to feel they need to respond in any way other than that of being a listener.  There are no answers for this.  Nothing takes away the sadness, the frustration, the anger or the fear. 

If you are walking the road of a survivor you are probably going to find that you are a much more empathetic person now.  You are going to be a better listener, a better shoulder to cry on, a kinder person to be reached out to. I don't think it's a conscious decision.  I think it just happens.  You may even find yourself crying with someone over what they are going through.  I think these are all good things.  I believe so strongly that we are here on earth to help each other.  Sometimes we don't figure this out until too late..but really, it is NEVER too late to be kind.  We may regret that in some cases it is too late...but...we always are presented with new opportunities.  Look around us...there is always someone hurting.  It is not up to us to judge how much.  It is only up to us to say "I'm here.  How can I help?" 

I listened to the words of the song my son picked out for his dance with his Mom at this wedding.  I'd never really listened until the other day..not truly.  How I wish I had listened before..and if I had...would I have asked the questions I now want to ask him?  I am blessed to have been given such beautiful children and grandchildren.  To have been allowed so completely into their lives...wow...they trust me...what a gift to be loved so much by one's children. 

I miss my beautiful son but I do know he loved me.  He trusted me...ultimately he trusted me with his life.  He knew I would understand.

I miss you Michael.  Thank you for loving me so much.

Mama.