Okay. Today it's True Confession time. For the last number of months I had discontinued the Ativan presribed by my doctor, to be used for extreme anxiety and panic attacks. Without going into great detail I can tell you that I have used ativan on and off for around seven years. Yes, it can be addictive but for people with anxiety disorders it seems to just put a ceiling on the emotion and I have never had trouble stopping. From about September - December I had been using it to get to sleep at night but I was able to stop and have been falling asleep listening to my audiobooks. Anyway...the day I started back to work, I took my first ativan since about Christmas..maybe January. I have only worked 5 days, so I have only taken 5 ativan...but yesterday was the worst day and yesterday I took 2. Since I only take .5 mg that meant I was taking 1 mg. When Michael died I was taking 1 mg. 3 times a day. One would think that the more time that passes from my going back to work, the easier it would be but I'm finding it's the opposite. The fact that I am back to the place I was 16 months ago is distressing. It's kind of difficult to explain. If I could somehow just find myself at my workplace (without having to go in the front entrance and pass people), then just be a little worker bee until it was time to go home, click my heels together and find myself home, I might be okay. However, to walk those same corridors, walk through the same doors, look up at the same mountain, drive down the same road I did before is taking it's toll on me. I am so thankful my doctor has known me for 30 years so when I talk to him next week he will understand even if I don't explain properly. I will keep trying but today, right now, I don't think this is going to work for me. I do have other options but this one needed to be attempted first. I have/had to try to return before I could say I just couldn't go back. I don't want to go back to having to medicate in order to work.
On another note I had a wonderful morning. I visited with two good friends, the sun came out for a wee while and although it isn't very bright out there right now it isn't raining.
I'm going out to put some more plants in Michael's garden and I'm going to talk to my boy for awhile.
Thank you for your support. It looks like it's a ladder day in a week that's been full of emotion.
4 comments:
I'm glad you have other options. If you're finding you hve to medicate yourself just to go to work - that's a bad thing.
I've taken Ativan very sporadically for anxiety (mostly family related) but never felt the hook. It's very helpful when I need it, but after a couple of weeks taking a half a pill twice a day, things evened out. It would be nice if that happened for you, but if it doesn't after giving it a fair shot, you probably need to move on to the next thing.
Take care of you!
Is there another way you can be transferred elsewhere in your job? You might want to think about that if it is an option. It sounds like you need a fresh start someplace. Work, to some, is an outlet, a place to get away from the emotional turmoil they may be feeling - when it's making you even more distressed, that has got to be horribly stressful and emotional. I'm glad you were able to do some gardening and talk to your beautiful son. To be honest with you, I do believe he can hear you and listens to your words, and he knows how much you love him.
Sayre: Like you I find Ativan good to have on hand for when I need it, now. There was a long spell though that the stress and anxiety each and every day was overwhelming. It's not that way now, or, hasn't been..I have just been afraid of going to that very black place. My plan is to give it until September..that's 3 1/2 months...at that point if it's still too painful I'll look at options. You take care of you, too!!
Hi Conquering...
I'm a federal employee so there are probably other federal departments I can transfer to. I agree, I do need a fresh start..I'm not absolutely sure that at this point in my healing I am ready to face the workplace where I see life moving on. This whole thing is a learning process..there aren't any rules are there? Like you I believe Mikey can hear me. As long as he knows how much I love him...gardening helps SO much. We only have a wee yard since we downsized but it's enough. Thank you for your comments and support. xx
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