I fully intended to climb back into bed this morning after my husband left for work. But it didn't rain last night and it seems like a waste of the morning to do so. My cold is getting worse and I'm grumpy. I'm going to have to do something today to get rid of the grumpies. I'm afraid the cold has a mind of it's own. I've been looking a pictures of the kids when they were younger, and pictures taken since Michael died. I hope he can look down from Heaven and see his beautiful daughter. She looks so much like him but her little personality is a combination of her mom and her daddy. I think back to what Michael was like when he was four and a half. He was another beautiful child. But that was a bad period in my life and I was struggling with life. What difference would have been made in my children's lives had I been more emotionally stable I'll never know. But gut feeling, the little voice I think is always right, says that was a crucial time for Michael. That's not to read as self-incrimination but fact. I did the best I could as a parent but the truth is I came up short at that time. It has nothing to do with love. My love for my children was and is unconditional. It had to do with life circumstances and abilities and inabilities of coping. It also had to do with what I now understand is a major mood disorder..then called manic depression..now called bipolar. Periods of deep and intense sadness often followed by sort of bizarre behaviour..anything to get myself cheered up.
I've included a link to a website about depression. It's a Canadian Website but I know there are such helpful resources world wide. Thoses of us who have lost someone to suicide have seen first hand the devestation that can be causes when the mind and soul's ability to cope with what life is giving them, has been surpassed.
I have also joined the Mood Disorders Association of BC. I hunger for a better understanding of the illness that took my son and affects millions of people. I believe mood disorders need to be brought out into the open and understood. They are after all, illnesses. No one chooses to suffer with depression, loneliness, manic behaviour, out of control rages, inappropriate behaviour. We are still a very closed minded society in regard to mood dysregulation and suicide.
It's almost 8:00 and I want to go out and finish the lawn and weedwhacking and then take my cold to bed and lay down with the baby blanket on my bed. Today I pulled out Michael's baby blanket. I remember crocheting it as I worked nights as the switchboard operator and the hotel I worked at when I was expecting him. What a great day that was...the power had gone out so I packed wood from the garage and kept our little house warm with the fire and by leaving the oven on all day. I felt like such a pioneer woman! I think my husband was scared because it took about three phone calls to get him to finally get home from work...I made him supper..can you believe it? What was I thinking??? Contractions while I cooked peas, rice and chicken. We packed up our little '72 VW and got to the hospital just after 7:00 pm. Mikey was born at 10:00. He weighted 9 lbs 2 oz and was beautiful from the moment he was born. Back then we got to stay in the hospital for a few days. I was there three or four as Michael had to go under the lights for a couple of days. That moment, the moment I heard him cry, my life became complete. The piece of my puzzle that had been missing, had been found and life was perfect. God had forgiven me anything I had done in my life and given me this beautiful child to love and protect.
And I am grateful for the 375 months and 3 days and 21.5 hours I was allowed to have him with me here on earth. He is still my son, he will always be my son. We just have to live apart for awhile.
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