Dearest Michael,
Do you remember how you told me you could not live without your daughter? You needed your family to be complete and without them you couldn't face your future. I understood then and I understand now. Now that you are in a peaceful place I hope you understand why we tried to encourage you to pick up the broken pieces of your life and start again. You did try, I know that. But people didn't understand. There are some of us, lots of us, who need unconditional and unqualified love and acceptance or we crumble. I have that in your Dad or I might be where you are - he is a "come hell or high water" person. I remember reading your blog a long time ago where you said something about being glad your parents hadn't divorced because it gave you a sense of safety. The road was sure bumpy though wasn't it? I hope there are things about your life that you have looked back on and been thankful for. Dad and I love you so much. Dad, like a lot of men, finds it very difficult to go to the dark emotional places and I know the last year of your life was hard but I know now that you will understand. There was not one second that Dad didn't wish for your life to be easier for you, to see you smile, to laugh with you about something. But we watched you suffer in a way no parent wants to see their child suffer. There are times I feel a need to tell some people what I saw. I believe they need to know what happens when a person is dying emotionally. It is not easier to watch than to watch someone die physically. You, like your mom, were never one to be able to walk away from anything you perceived as unjust and SO much in your life WAS unjust. It broke you. I'm writing today Mikey because I am so very angry again and feel a need to make someone else understand what has happened to our family. I'm looking for some guidance from you I guess. This was an emotional weekend for us all. So much crying brings all those feelings to the front again. It's a day I want to scream and smash things and shut out the world, yet I reach out electronically because really, I don't want to be alone. I just don't want to see anyone and I don't want anyone to see me. I understand now why you locked yourself away with your computer for the last months of your life.
My heart is broken and I don't know what to do. I want my family around me constantly and that's not possible and I have no interest at all in anything more. Even the weather seems sad, so little sun this year so the flowers don't bloom, the garden seems melancholy. I went to the Museum today because we are putting your picture up on the In Memory of wall. You were only 31. You shouldn't be going up there with your grandparents...it isn't the way things should be. But we've chosen the picture..it's of you on your wedding day. You said aside from the day your little girl was born it was the happiest day of your life. Such a beautiful young man. Only 25 then. Six years and three months later you would leave us.
I'm looking for answers today honey. I don't want to hear that there are no answers. I don't care if there are none...I want to hear them anyway. I miss you so much darling boy. I send you my love and hope where you are you know how very much we ALL love you.
Talk to you soon,
Mom.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Frustration
This will be a short note today. I've just watched another E Harmony ad on tv. I remember my counsellor telling me that she was not too worried about Michael being truly suicidal because he was making an effort to meet people online. That, apparently meant there was hope for life outside his suffering. My warning is: ALWAYS listen to your inner voice. Please. If you, in the deepest recesses of your heart and soul feel that someone you love is at risk, never ever give up looking for help. I didn't give up but I think others did. It's most likely that you know your loved one better than anyone else. Never, ever, ever stop doing everything you can to help. Write letters, make phone calls, beg, plead, cry..do whatever it takes to get someone to stop and listen. Currently there is very little help available unless someone has already self harmed and trust me when I tell you that admitting someone to the psych ward of some hospital does not keep them safe. Please write a letter to your MLA, MP, congress person, anyone and everyone you can think of because suicide is preventable.
PS. I thought I had created a link to this last time. I guess I don't know how to do that yet..so...please check on www.depressionhurts.ca. Also...the next time you go to buy Canadian stamps, please ask for the Support Mental Health stamps. They don't cost you one cent more..but a (very small) part of the money goes to support mental health in Canada and also, perhaps someone receiving a letter with one of these stamps will notice and thus, awareness is raised. It's a starting point. Thanks.
PS. I thought I had created a link to this last time. I guess I don't know how to do that yet..so...please check on www.depressionhurts.ca. Also...the next time you go to buy Canadian stamps, please ask for the Support Mental Health stamps. They don't cost you one cent more..but a (very small) part of the money goes to support mental health in Canada and also, perhaps someone receiving a letter with one of these stamps will notice and thus, awareness is raised. It's a starting point. Thanks.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Just living in different places
I fully intended to climb back into bed this morning after my husband left for work. But it didn't rain last night and it seems like a waste of the morning to do so. My cold is getting worse and I'm grumpy. I'm going to have to do something today to get rid of the grumpies. I'm afraid the cold has a mind of it's own. I've been looking a pictures of the kids when they were younger, and pictures taken since Michael died. I hope he can look down from Heaven and see his beautiful daughter. She looks so much like him but her little personality is a combination of her mom and her daddy. I think back to what Michael was like when he was four and a half. He was another beautiful child. But that was a bad period in my life and I was struggling with life. What difference would have been made in my children's lives had I been more emotionally stable I'll never know. But gut feeling, the little voice I think is always right, says that was a crucial time for Michael. That's not to read as self-incrimination but fact. I did the best I could as a parent but the truth is I came up short at that time. It has nothing to do with love. My love for my children was and is unconditional. It had to do with life circumstances and abilities and inabilities of coping. It also had to do with what I now understand is a major mood disorder..then called manic depression..now called bipolar. Periods of deep and intense sadness often followed by sort of bizarre behaviour..anything to get myself cheered up.
I've included a link to a website about depression. It's a Canadian Website but I know there are such helpful resources world wide. Thoses of us who have lost someone to suicide have seen first hand the devestation that can be causes when the mind and soul's ability to cope with what life is giving them, has been surpassed.
I have also joined the Mood Disorders Association of BC. I hunger for a better understanding of the illness that took my son and affects millions of people. I believe mood disorders need to be brought out into the open and understood. They are after all, illnesses. No one chooses to suffer with depression, loneliness, manic behaviour, out of control rages, inappropriate behaviour. We are still a very closed minded society in regard to mood dysregulation and suicide.
It's almost 8:00 and I want to go out and finish the lawn and weedwhacking and then take my cold to bed and lay down with the baby blanket on my bed. Today I pulled out Michael's baby blanket. I remember crocheting it as I worked nights as the switchboard operator and the hotel I worked at when I was expecting him. What a great day that was...the power had gone out so I packed wood from the garage and kept our little house warm with the fire and by leaving the oven on all day. I felt like such a pioneer woman! I think my husband was scared because it took about three phone calls to get him to finally get home from work...I made him supper..can you believe it? What was I thinking??? Contractions while I cooked peas, rice and chicken. We packed up our little '72 VW and got to the hospital just after 7:00 pm. Mikey was born at 10:00. He weighted 9 lbs 2 oz and was beautiful from the moment he was born. Back then we got to stay in the hospital for a few days. I was there three or four as Michael had to go under the lights for a couple of days. That moment, the moment I heard him cry, my life became complete. The piece of my puzzle that had been missing, had been found and life was perfect. God had forgiven me anything I had done in my life and given me this beautiful child to love and protect.
And I am grateful for the 375 months and 3 days and 21.5 hours I was allowed to have him with me here on earth. He is still my son, he will always be my son. We just have to live apart for awhile.
I've included a link to a website about depression. It's a Canadian Website but I know there are such helpful resources world wide. Thoses of us who have lost someone to suicide have seen first hand the devestation that can be causes when the mind and soul's ability to cope with what life is giving them, has been surpassed.
I have also joined the Mood Disorders Association of BC. I hunger for a better understanding of the illness that took my son and affects millions of people. I believe mood disorders need to be brought out into the open and understood. They are after all, illnesses. No one chooses to suffer with depression, loneliness, manic behaviour, out of control rages, inappropriate behaviour. We are still a very closed minded society in regard to mood dysregulation and suicide.
It's almost 8:00 and I want to go out and finish the lawn and weedwhacking and then take my cold to bed and lay down with the baby blanket on my bed. Today I pulled out Michael's baby blanket. I remember crocheting it as I worked nights as the switchboard operator and the hotel I worked at when I was expecting him. What a great day that was...the power had gone out so I packed wood from the garage and kept our little house warm with the fire and by leaving the oven on all day. I felt like such a pioneer woman! I think my husband was scared because it took about three phone calls to get him to finally get home from work...I made him supper..can you believe it? What was I thinking??? Contractions while I cooked peas, rice and chicken. We packed up our little '72 VW and got to the hospital just after 7:00 pm. Mikey was born at 10:00. He weighted 9 lbs 2 oz and was beautiful from the moment he was born. Back then we got to stay in the hospital for a few days. I was there three or four as Michael had to go under the lights for a couple of days. That moment, the moment I heard him cry, my life became complete. The piece of my puzzle that had been missing, had been found and life was perfect. God had forgiven me anything I had done in my life and given me this beautiful child to love and protect.
And I am grateful for the 375 months and 3 days and 21.5 hours I was allowed to have him with me here on earth. He is still my son, he will always be my son. We just have to live apart for awhile.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Waves
Today marks another tiny milestone along the way; I have completed everything to do with Michael's estate. This has been a difficult process. I really dragged my feet on it, I admit. When Michael died he didn't leave a will so it turned out that I had to apply to administer his estate. The lawyers suggested I use a lawyer to do this and their estimated cost was between $3 000 and $5 000. I felt that the lawyers had already taken too much money and I felt and still do that they contributed in their way to the terrible stress my son was under. So, I went to Staples and bought a Probate kit ($39) After 16 months, a few mistakes, about $500, and with help from a friendly woman at the probate office, my local notary, and a wonderful girl at our bank...it's all done. But it saddens me because I feel like it's a thread that held me to my boy and it's been broken. This feeling will pass I know but it's a sad feeling nonetheless.
I've put on a movie, lit Michael's candle, closed the blinds and shut out the world for the rest of the day. This is self indulgence, I know but I have a wicked summer cold and it feels right to sniffle and shuffle about in big clothes. It's mid-July, and I want to turn on the fireplace. I might. One of the things I'm learning is that it's okay for me to do things to make myself feel better.
Here' s something else I've been doing the past few weeks: taking movies out from the library and watching them during the day. Such a peacful way to take my mind off myself and the dark thoughts that persist. Today I'm watching Julie and Julia and I love it. It reminds me how much I love to cook..but I've really gotten out the habit. The focus of my day is still, then, to get through it without making it worse. I've had a couple of days over the last few weeks where I've not been successful at all. I have made them worse. It's such an easy thing to do...far easier than you'd think.
When I started to write today and had things I wanted to say but it was mostly just to check in. I'm going to take my cold and curl up under a blanket and watch my movie. I miss my boy. It's almost 17 months. It can't be that long. How have we survived without him? God what I would give to see him smile once again or to hear him laugh. So...here it comes...the wave. But it will pass as it always does. The sun is trying to shine so I'm going to open the blinds and try to brighten my thoughts.
I've put on a movie, lit Michael's candle, closed the blinds and shut out the world for the rest of the day. This is self indulgence, I know but I have a wicked summer cold and it feels right to sniffle and shuffle about in big clothes. It's mid-July, and I want to turn on the fireplace. I might. One of the things I'm learning is that it's okay for me to do things to make myself feel better.
Here' s something else I've been doing the past few weeks: taking movies out from the library and watching them during the day. Such a peacful way to take my mind off myself and the dark thoughts that persist. Today I'm watching Julie and Julia and I love it. It reminds me how much I love to cook..but I've really gotten out the habit. The focus of my day is still, then, to get through it without making it worse. I've had a couple of days over the last few weeks where I've not been successful at all. I have made them worse. It's such an easy thing to do...far easier than you'd think.
When I started to write today and had things I wanted to say but it was mostly just to check in. I'm going to take my cold and curl up under a blanket and watch my movie. I miss my boy. It's almost 17 months. It can't be that long. How have we survived without him? God what I would give to see him smile once again or to hear him laugh. So...here it comes...the wave. But it will pass as it always does. The sun is trying to shine so I'm going to open the blinds and try to brighten my thoughts.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
sunday.
This will be a short post because today is one of the days my emotions have gone a bit south.
I am overwhelmed.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Remembering
Standing upstairs ironing just now I was listening the radio, a station called "The Crooner's Lounge" from somewhere..and "I'll Remember You" came on. Naturally I was thinking of Michael and it came to me that people shouldn't have to remember their children in the sense that those of us who have lost children remember them. To me, remembering means recalling from somewhere in our memory and I wonder if any of us every have a moment when we feel that our child is actually gone. Remembering incidents, funny and sad things..that's different. My feeling is that the soul of our child is always with us, especially the mothers among us.
On a different thought: I don't read back through my posts to I don't know if I've done this already but here is a list of books I have found helpful over the past 16 months.
Last September just before the start of the Suicide Awareness gathering in Vancouver, we met a couple vacationing from the US. We were wearing our t-shirts with Michael's picture and Suicide Prevention Week printed on them and they came up to us and asked if the picture on the t-shirt was our son and then asked when we had lost him. Then they told us they had lost their boy a few years ago. He had only been 12. Only twelve years old..and they had been blindsided because they'd had no indication of the degree of his despair. At my darkest times, I know that I was allowed to "prepare" myself for my son's death. Although it made for years of worrying because it has been my deepest fear for years, it also gave me a bit of an emotional overcoat I think. Because of this I've never asked myself "Why, where did this come from"..not in the true sense of the question. I think I've asked myself "why MY boy....why no help?"...but those are different questions.
Each of the books on suicide that I've listed above has a comprehensive reading list and support groups directory There are many online support groups. I have tried a couple but feel too disconnected from the ones I've tried. Sadly, that is only because there are so many of us who have lost friends and family to suicide. So very many.
I'm working on finding meaning in Michael's suicide and in my own life.
On a different thought: I don't read back through my posts to I don't know if I've done this already but here is a list of books I have found helpful over the past 16 months.
- Touched by Suicide, Hope and Healing After Loss, Michael F. Myers, M.D. and Carla Fine
- No Time to Say Goodbye, Carla Fine,
- Suicide Survivors Handbook, A guide for The Bereaved and Those Who Wish To Help Them, Trudy Carlson
- Healing After the Suicide of a Loved One, Ann Smolin, C.S.W. and John Guinan, Ph.D,
- Night Falls Fast, Understanding Suicide, Kay Redfield Jamison
- An Unquiet Mind, Kay Redfield Jamison, and
- A Brilliant Madness, Living With Manic-Depressive Illness, Patty Duke and Gloria Hochman.
- Peace Begins With Me, Ted Kuntz, M. Ed
- Overcomers, Inc. Lynne Klippel, and
- Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert.
Last September just before the start of the Suicide Awareness gathering in Vancouver, we met a couple vacationing from the US. We were wearing our t-shirts with Michael's picture and Suicide Prevention Week printed on them and they came up to us and asked if the picture on the t-shirt was our son and then asked when we had lost him. Then they told us they had lost their boy a few years ago. He had only been 12. Only twelve years old..and they had been blindsided because they'd had no indication of the degree of his despair. At my darkest times, I know that I was allowed to "prepare" myself for my son's death. Although it made for years of worrying because it has been my deepest fear for years, it also gave me a bit of an emotional overcoat I think. Because of this I've never asked myself "Why, where did this come from"..not in the true sense of the question. I think I've asked myself "why MY boy....why no help?"...but those are different questions.
Each of the books on suicide that I've listed above has a comprehensive reading list and support groups directory There are many online support groups. I have tried a couple but feel too disconnected from the ones I've tried. Sadly, that is only because there are so many of us who have lost friends and family to suicide. So very many.
I'm working on finding meaning in Michael's suicide and in my own life.
Friday, July 1, 2011
July 1st.
It's Canada Day. We don't usually do anything special for Cananda day but today we rode our bikes uptown to listen to an essay written by a friend's niece. Lots of people uptown but we came home right after hearing the essay. Well done Lauren by the way...anyway...the flag was piped in by three pipers and a bass drum...and right now..they are next door "celebrating" Canada day and playing. I'm itching to peek through the cedars to see if my husband is playing. They sound like they are having fun. I'm glad...
Trying to keep occupied before and after the festivities today I've done laundry, baked scones for the "band" and have Q-tipped the area where the patio door slides...Q-tipping inspires me so I'm going to do more laundry. Two people shouldn't have so much I don't think...but I've been helping a friend this week so have gotten a bit behind. As long as I can keep busy today will be okay.
Michael visited me in my dreams last night. He was younger..and I remember asking him if he was okay. He just looked at me at smiled..not a big smile..just one of those smiles you give people when there really is no answer to a question. Any time I've dreamt of Michael the question is the same, "are you okay?"...I wish there was someone to answer these questions.
So, today is just a level day and a level day is okay with me. I love you Michael. xx
Trying to keep occupied before and after the festivities today I've done laundry, baked scones for the "band" and have Q-tipped the area where the patio door slides...Q-tipping inspires me so I'm going to do more laundry. Two people shouldn't have so much I don't think...but I've been helping a friend this week so have gotten a bit behind. As long as I can keep busy today will be okay.
Michael visited me in my dreams last night. He was younger..and I remember asking him if he was okay. He just looked at me at smiled..not a big smile..just one of those smiles you give people when there really is no answer to a question. Any time I've dreamt of Michael the question is the same, "are you okay?"...I wish there was someone to answer these questions.
So, today is just a level day and a level day is okay with me. I love you Michael. xx
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