choppy seas

For me, being a survivor has made me a reluctant participant/observer in my own inner struggle between wanting that to be the most important fact of  my life and wanting it to be the least important.   Edward Dunne as taken from No Time To Say Goodbye.

Sunday should have been Michael's 32nd birthday.  As the days to his birthday got closer I found myself become more and more emotional.  I just wanted to get away from town to be with other family members where we could spend his birthday together.  We have talked about how to commemorate his birthday, for a few months now, yet when they day came, most of it was spent just hanging on, being quiet, together, and getting through.  My husband and I bought flowers and placed them in the ocean later in the day but it wasn't comforting for me.  It was windy, the water was choppy and the tide was coming in.  The combination   meant that a wave crashed over the flowers, sucked them out and spit them back up, just to be sucked out again.  It made me cry and I had to walk away.  My husband stayed there for a little while and the water must have settled a bit because he took a couple of pictures of the flowers lying on the water. 

The ocean had no significant meaning for Michael but it has always been the place that restores my soul.    My husband and I drove to a beautiful spot along the water, parked and just looked out over the strait.  I couldn't get out of the car but he walked.  The sky was one of those skies where you think Heaven must just be a little beyond.

We had decided that we would pick up a few of Michael's favourite things to eat so we grabbed sushi and a McCain's frozen chocolate cake (!), ate dinner with candles burning and sang Happy Birthday to him.  And then we put on a Christmas movie, Polar Express, because Michael's birthday always meant that Christmas decorating, baking, wrapping etc. would begin. 

During the day I had received emails and messages from friends and family.  I can't tell you what a difference it made to know that Michael was remembered on his birthday.  I am still so afraid of the "out of sight, out of mind" syndrome. 

So, another of the "firsts" has been faced, and survived.  I hate this.  I really hate it.  I want my son back. 
But I am thankful for the love and support of the family and friends who help me every step of the way.