Last night marked 9 months, 25th of February to the 25th of November, since my boy took his life.  For the longest time Thursdays were tough from morning until night but gradually, I began to be able to do things on Thursdays.  I've been able to go to choir practice the last few Thursdays because they are now in the afternoon.  But last night choir started later so I had only been there about 20 minutes when the time came when I remembered that 9 months ago, at that time, Michael was in the process of doing what he did.  It might have been okay but it was a mass choir practice so quite a number of people I didn't know were at the church.    At 9:15 I excused myself and left to come home.  As soon as I got out into the cold night I imagined I could hear Michael calling me, "Momma, momma". And I was terrified he was asking for help.  Maybe he thought he had made the wrong decision....it's my biggest fear.   I talked to him all the way home, assured him I was there, asked him how I could help him.  I guess it sounds a little crazy to anyone reading this but it was so real and it's a feeling I have had before.  Having it happen on a Thursday though, and the 9th-month Thursday was overwhelming. As soon as I got home I took some medication to stop the panic and within and hour was okay again.

The reason I am writing about last night is that it was so much like just after he died.  Yet I know I am healing so I realize there will always be times when the panic, or the grief, or the fear are overwhelming.  But that doesn't mean anything more than it is the way life is now.  I am learning that it's okay to ask for help when I'm feeling too raw. 

Today was better.  There is fresh bread on the counter, some Christmas decorations have been put up, and I am looking forward to curling up with cookbooks tonight and being here with my husband and my son.

Thankful for a peaceful day.