Memories.  I love this picture.  I am so glad I have it.  Michael took this in our old backyard. The honey-locust with the cornfield behind.  Sometimes I miss that house..other times not so much. 

For whatever reason, this morning I arrived at the dentist's office an hour late so decided to put in some time looking at things at Sears.  As I got out of the car I heard tinny Christmas music coming from small outdoor speakers mounted above the entrance into the store.  It seems so early, but for retailers I guess anything after Hallowe'en is fair.  But I haven't listened to Christmas music yet and my tummy went into a tight knot.  I was going to leave but decided I would just go a little ways into the store and see how I did.  I have never been a person who is bothered by the commercialism of Christmas because I just ignore it.  Our family has always loved everything about Christmas. Today though, I found no happiness in walking around glancing at things.  I think had it not been for carols playing, it would have been okay.  Inside my heart is saying "It can't be Christmas. Michael isn't here."

We have a plan for coping this year and that is to make everything different.  Some might question the logic and think that everything should remain the same because Michael is still with us in spirit.  No.  Far too many memories associated with my 33- year collection of Christmas ornaments and we are still too fragile.  So, with that in mind I left the mall and crossed the street to buy craft supplies to make new ornaments.  This year I am opting for glitter..I'm not a glittery person but just knowing that this is completely out of character for me, for us, allowed me to breathe and think, "Okay.  This is alright.  Michael won't think we are just carrying on without him now.  He will see that everything has changed, as it should (in my mind).

Another thing I have found is that I can no longer shop for clothes or much else, unless I'm making my daily run to the thrift store.  Suddenly I seem aware of every penny I waste.  Money is such a stumbling block for people with mood disregulations. Medical coverage doesn't cover anything much other that physical illness and we literally got to the point over the past couple of years where there was no money to pay for psychotherapy. 

I've wandered a bit from my starting point but babystep forward was taken today I think.  I believe that by going into that store and being able to listen to Christmas music, if only for a short time, and doing it without the aid of an ativan is progress and any progress makes those tiny steps backwards a little less traumatic.